and now that i'm done with this post, i need to play with my son

a few months ago, i was working on my (former) laptop when my son spontaneously jumped off the couch, grabbed my mug of coffee, walked over to my laptop, and

poured the whole cup of coffee over my keyboard.

(i put him in his crib so i could cry undisturbed for 10 minutes. my in-laws gave me no sympathy-- "just be thankful he didn't burn himself")

you can read my Ode right here.

it made me wonder--how intentional was that?

is my not-even-two-year-old tangled in a competition with my computer for my attention ?

i wrestle with that. i wrestle with my who i want to be, because so many times these wants seem in conflict with each other.

i want to a better writer. i want a cooler blog, with a real RSS feed and graphics that aren't pawned off of some brazilian designer who can't answer my questions in english.

i want to be a mom who's present. a mom who does cool things like make home-made play-dough, and builds forts and explores perfectly manicured lawns for centipedes and ant hills.

i want to matter in the kingdom of god. i want to help my husband build up a church, and encourage women as they get to know jesus.

i want to keep up with my brothers. brandon's at ucf and i know he could use some more 'old-fashioned oats' and raisins and coffee. elliot's in the middle of his first out-of-college job and i know he's still figuring out how to teach obstinate 16-year-olds. jesse's in high school with a job and a beautiful girlfriend. and carlin's navigating his freshmen year.

these wants, and so many more, seem to fight with each other. at times, they give way and peacefully take their turns. more often than not, they seem to jump off the coach of my mind, walk over to the other,  and



pour the whole cup of coffee out,

till there's nothing left but a fried hard-drive.