Friday, January 2, 2009

My Resolutions for Someone Else

There's so much talk right now of New Year's resolutions. It's a beautiful idea-- we take time every year to reflect on the past and to resolve to become our better selves. On our recent trip to visit my family in West Palm Beach, Neal and I talked about resolutions and goals for 2009. He told me his and I silently praised God for the hope for change (I'm feeling sarcastic and curt right now, so brace yourself). Then, he proceeded to tell me his ideas for what should be my resolutions. Under normal circumstances, I would receive these suggestions because he genuinely desires for me to succeed in life. However, in this post and with my current sour attitude, I will simply thank my dear husband for the pristine inspiration to write what follows.

My Resolutions for Someone Else:

Obama--I will hire the world's best PR consultant to manage my wife's seething bitterness.

Jen Moore--This year, I will painstakingly let my natural color grow back in to save money and make April feel better about her brunette status. Then, I will blog about how much more seriously people take me because I am no longer blonde.

Stephen Colbert--I will dro the consanan at the end of every wor to really prov I speak Fren.

Brad Saab--This year, I will write my own personality test, proving that I am a pack of timber wolves.

Rick Warren--I'm gonna hold a non-partisan debate between Tina Fey and Sarah Palin. I will charge for tickets to raise money for our struggling congregation.

Britney Spears--I will hire Michelle Obama's PR consultant to manage my image.

Meghan Stewart-- I am going to have a storybook wedding, honeymoon and happily ever after.

China --We have no resolutions. Number 1, it's not yet our new year. Number 2, we had glaring human rights violations, censorship and underage athletes during the summer Olympics. The world praised our opening ceremonies. What is there to change?

Angelina Jolie--I'm going to continue to purge my sins through procreation. And, I'm going to piss April McCullohs off with my gorgeous lips. Muwah.

Fidel Castro--Viva la Revolucion! I am going to live through another 40 years of Cuban communism.

Keifer Sutherland--I will speak in a whisper at all times so people will take me seriously. Um, a quieter whisper.

So, that's it! Next New Year's, when the world around you is sincerely vowing to lose that weight, to get up earlier and to be kinder, fight the urge to enlighten yourself and write a list for others. Come February, they'll be feeling guilty, you won't and you'll still have your list.


  1. I've taken your resolution for me to heart April -- mainly because it takes no actual effort on my part. I'm a big fan of passive resolutions. My hairdresser, though, has some choice words for you, however.